


Select GalacticHub Posts Regarding the Spacefaring Species of Sol-III

by ivyspinners



Category: Humans Are Space Orcs (Meme)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Epistolary, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humans are space orcs, Science Fiction, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28168845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyspinners/pseuds/ivyspinners
Summary: As gathered from various interstellar exoplanet transit communications by Ger-too, in their third century of life and seventh of existence.
Comments: 39
Kudos: 160
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Select GalacticHub Posts Regarding the Spacefaring Species of Sol-III

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redstapler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redstapler/gifts).



> Thank you to edenfalling for the beta. Happy Yuletide, redstapler! This ended up more space-hobbits than space-orcs, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

**Did you know…**

Humans once believed they out-murdered their cousin species to extinction. Fortunately for diplomatic relations, they have since learned they actually outfucked them.

**Lupin RR. "Temperatures of 303.15K Will Not Kill Humans." _Exotic Lifebeings of Sol_. 2310 Galactic, Arm 3: Wolf 359-b.**

**Methods** : Twenty volunteers of the human species were monitored for signs of distress as they were exposed to temperatures from 263.15K up to 303.15K. Distress was measured by the production of salt water from the eyes, waving of limbs, vibrations formed from the mouth, at which point the experiment would immediately cease. The volunteers had the ability to end the experiment at any time, though we note that most of them waved this off with a "shrug", and the words, "it'll be just like a 'vacation' from routine."

 **Results** : At 263.15K, which was commonly understood to be well beyond onset of danger for their species, we noted they had started to shape balls from the solid-phase H2O and started to pelt each other with these projectiles, in what we can only surmise to be an exercise to keep warm. At 273.15K, they started to sip a favorite drink from a thermos and communicated amongst themselves, but seemed dismayed the H2O was starting to change phase. At 283.15K to 293.15K, at which point all the solid-phase H2O had long since become liquid, they started to remove their outer garments and floated on the liquid-phase H2O. By 303.15K, every volunteer had removed their garments and submerged themselves into H2O, shouting a thank you to the lead scientist. Further temperature ranges could not be tested as the principal investigator, who would melt at a higher temperature, refused to leave the 'friends' he had made at his 'pool party' and thus the experiment was terminated.

 **Conclusion** : 293.15K appears the ideal temperature to hold a human gathering around H2O, which is also well tolerated by our own. We hope that this will continue to improve diplomatic waterside relationships between our two species.

**Did you know...**  
Humans are the source of the saying, "Aim for the head". Despite a lack of regenerative ability, aiming elsewhere rarely finishes them off immediately and simply causes outrage.

**Humans _Can_ Jump: Teaching Communication 849 to Young Isolated Silicate Crystals of Lacaille 8760-f**

Every new crystal, from their first moments grown tall enough to touch the clean sulphur-oxide atmosphere, knows to fear gravity. If connected to an older crystal, our electric signals explain; if grown alone from a tiny seed, it takes longer. But we all know this: the drop breaks. A break and a fall from half our height leads to shattering of all the veins and circuits that make you what you are.

This is not true for humans. Their lower limbs have springs that absorb impact, and they bend in ways that make my circuits near overload.

You cannot send your mind one canyon away and hope for the best. If you are pursued by a human intent on sharing words on your private circuits, simply melt into your lake of methane, and wait for boredom to set in.

**Did you know...**

Humans dispose of the most common toxin on their planet by breathing it in. Oxygen doesn't harm them. Humans dispose of the common, toxic solvent "ethanol" by drinking it. Ethanol _does_ harm them.

Please take care of your human colleagues. Do not leave colourful poisons lying around.

**Proxima Centauri Anex Exclusive: Humans Live For Only 100 Galactic Years**

Five tips to maximize your time with your short-lived neighbours!

**Vertes Magaxine of Sirius-9 Exclusive: Humans Live for Over 100 Galactic Years!**

From cradle to grave: why your family guardian never seems to age!

**Did you know...**

Humans have a vastly increased capacity for friendships. Unfortunately, they also have a vastly increased tendency to over-identify with other species and/or inanimate objects.

**Transmission received by Ger (nee Voyager II) C.E. 2500, rerouted by a miniature black hole**

Voice 1: [Choked sobbing] Oppy was... cold... and in the dark... I'm sorry, baby

Voice 2: Opportunity Rover was older than you are

Excerpt from: **Humans Are A Practical Demonstration of The Spheres of Qzuchre** , by Qzuzar of the Nineth Node

....If you have one quatresto and create another, you shall have two quatrestos. If you then consume them both, you shall have one ache in your tuzi but no quatrestos, though you had no aches in your tuzi before this. It is a similar concept with humans. One human is generous, but a company composed of fifteen humans has no conscience. One human is intelligent. One hundred together may be singularly stupid, or singularly creative. It may even be the same one hundred humans.

The first human I saw bared of their coverings, in a room separated from our sulphuric acid atmosphere--deadly to them--had been the very same that made it possible for me to write this now.

You have heard, no doubt, of the incident at Saltbraze in the Galactic Year 78304. You may not have heard that one of the subroutine carriers became trapped in a tank of pure oxygen, at a temperature high enough to oxidize, and that the human had to take off their suit in order to enter and bring me out.

They--she--said, with vibrations of air that my processors changed to electromagnetic pulses, "Well, Qzuzar, you reminded me of my sister. I couldn't leave you behind."

As humans are composed of carbon-based proteins and water, and all descendants of Qzuchre are beings of silicon, you could imagine my confusion. I expressed the same.

"Something about your outrage when the Ambassador said humans were slow," said the human. "It was brave."

I gave in. _Our ambassador was a heretic. Qzuchre was composed of six spheres, and they were of different elements, but all overlapped. It is not up to our discretion to ignore the abilities or needs of one sphere, even on the other side of the planet, in a node enclosed from the rest of us._

Humans bare their teeth when pleased. She said, "You see? We have more in common than you think."

**Author's Note:**

> There are many theories on why Homo sapiens displaced the Neaderthals, but one of my favourite is that [we absorbed their advantageous genes (or even, in some population groups, _them_ )](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neanderthal_extinction#Interbreeding) into our species through breeding. Proven? Not at all. But certainly fun.
> 
> [Silicon Life!](https://www.airspacemag.com/daily-planet/silicon-based-life-staple-science-fiction-may-not-be-likely-after-all-180975083/) Would definitely be exotic, would need to be in a cold atmosphere with low oxygen, and has better prospects with a sulfuric atmosphere.
> 
> Opportunity Rover's last words on Mars were in fact, [solar array energy is approximately 22 W-hrs, with a measured tau of 10.8](https://www.spaceflightinsider.com/editorial/what-did-opportunitys-last-words-actually-mean/). We, of course, translated this as Opportunity's famous last words: [My battery is low and it’s getting dark.](https://www.spaceflightinsider.com/editorial/what-did-opportunitys-last-words-actually-mean/)


End file.
